Monday, November 24, 2008

A Contest!

Have you ever had Dove Promises, the chocolate squares whose foil wrapper has an important message about the future, your love life, chocolate or some weird mash-up of all three? If you haven't, go buy some: they're hilarious and delicious! If you have, then I'll assume you'll agree with me that the messages are pretty stupid. I misread one today as "A simile is the perfect gift, personal and encouraging."

So here is the contest: Suggestions For Future Dove Promise Wrappers.

How does it work? You suggest new slogans/promises/whimsical messages for these candy wrappers. If they're funny, praise will be heaped upon you! If they're not, ridicule is yours to endure!

What do you win? Nothing. This is a blog, guys, not Chinook Winds.

Here are some examples from actual candy foils:
  • Love is always the perfect gift.
  • Joy is contagious.
  • Your presence is often the best present.
  • Friendship is a gift in itself.
  • A smile is the perfect gift, personal and encouraging.
Here is an example entry from Pete:
  • Here's a promise: these will make you fat.
So, you know, Have At It!


Rip Tatermen said...

What the fuck, this isn't Chinook Winds?

Sydney said...

Are you calling me fat?

Seph said...

My contribution:

Note: Your marriage may no longer be legal in the state of California.

Yvonne said...

I bet you just can't eat one

Rip Tatermen said...

Side note: the one I just ate's wrapper says:
"Joy" WTF is that? Is chocolate being a dick to me? Is that meant to have a withering delivery? Can chocolate just not bring itself to care anymore? Screw you too, piece of chocolate!

Yvonne said...

"That wasn't chocolate"

SonicLlama said...

For some reason all I can think of is:

"You are not a winner."

"Thank you for playing."

"A $15 gift certificate for T.G.I. Friday's."

Eric said...

"Try not to kill anyone today"

"The voices whispering to you were right"

"No one will love you like Cthulhu loves you"

"Delicious Crunchy Frog"

"Smile and the whole world smiles with you; fart and you stand alone"
(this is actually from a friend's t-shirt, but I think it's apt)

Sydney said...

* Promise yourself to eat some vegetables.

* Get a job.

* Call your mother.

* Your hair lacks distinctive style and your life distinctive purpose.

Dale said...

If you're looking for wisdom here, God only knows where you're looking for love.

Sydney said...

Yvonne- I see someone shoving the chocolate in their mouth, reading "That wasn't chocolate" and just letting the semi-chewed candy fall out of their gaping mouth.

Seph- I could see a whole line of informational Dove Promises that just tell you about recent court decisions or ballot outcomes. "Your 16-year old may be required to inform you of her abortion in Ohio." "Note: you may legally be topless in downtown Portland, OR." "Don't forget to sign the pharmacist's Pseudoephedrine registry, Washington resident!"

Rip- Yes, that chocolate was being a dick to you. And I actually think, "What the fuck, this isn't Chinook Winds?" would be a pretty awesome Promises message.

Llama- I would love to see people lining up at T.G.I. Fridays with their little, torn foil wrappers trying to get $15 off their shitty meal. (No offense to people who like T.G.I. Fridays, but it is an objective fact that there are better restaurants out there serving exactly the same food stuffs. And if you're in Rockville, MD there is no excuse for liking T.G.I. Fridays. Their staff are incompetent and rude, and the food is awful.)

Eric- I like the Dove Promises for the Mentally On Edge. You could make them both affirmative and helpful by alternating between the validation of the voices in their heads and the suggestion to remain non-homicidal. You could throw in some "Try to take your meds today" and "That tinfoil hat looks wonderful! It's definitely keeping you safe from The Cosmic Rays."

Dale- I picture someone reading your message and just looking sad. Then eating more chocolate. I think it would be even better if it were just in among all the regular Dove Promises. "Happiness is contageous!" "If old friends be forgot, call them up and remember!" "If you're looking for wisdom here, God only knows where you're looking for love." "Joy to... you!"

Hilarious! :D