Thursday, February 15, 2007

Valentine Dentist Appointment

Twenty-six years, zero cavities! And that's not the only good news I got at the dentist yesterday. My front tooth that's been all crazy sensitive to hot and cold is dying and will need a root canal. But the tooth itself is in such good shape, all they have to do is drill a small hole in the back and remove the root, and then patch it up with a little dental spackle! Where is the good news in a root canal, you may ask? I have no fear of the dentist, so the root canal doesn't bother me. There'll be Novocain and I'll have my iPod. It'll be a little open-mouthed nap and then my tooth will stop acting like a crazy old person. "It's too cold! No, it's too hot! What's wrong with the rest of you? Can't you tell how cold it is in here? You kids get off my lawn! Where's my condensed milk? I want to pay in nickels! Is it really past four pm? Past my bedtime!" Okay, so not exactly like a crazy old person. But as close as teeth get!

Friday, February 02, 2007

An Open Letter To The Jell-O Pudding People

Hello Jell-O People! Or are you a subsidiary of some MecaGiantFoodCorp, like Kraft or Kroger? Well, whomever, I have an idea for product improvement that I think you'll like. And this one is a freebe. That's right: I'm just giving it away!

First of all, DON'T CHANGE YOUR PUDDING. I love the pudding just the way it is. At least the full calorie stuff. And I did my lable reading: I know that you're trying to weed out the people who are into pudding just for the calorie cut but not for the silky smoothness or the super deliciousness. The "100-Calorie Pack" that tastes of artificial sweeteners? Only a few calories less than the a cup of the "full fat" pudding. Hahahahaha! Take that, all you people who just jumped on the pudding bandwagon when it started to market itself as "diet food!" You deserve what you get!

No, the thing you should change is the packaging. Here is my problem: My spoon cannot get into all the nooks and crannies of your pudding cup. What's that you say? It's round, so it doesn't have nooks and crannies? Au contraire, Moose Breath! It has plenty because of that little inverse rim around the bottom to keep the cup from falling over. Because my spoon can't get all the pudding, I am always reduced to licking. And the cup is too deep! My tongue can't reach the bottom and I end up with a chocolate ring around my chin. How embarassing! I'm 26, for crying out loud! But don't I deserve every last drop of wonderful pudding in my cup? I should think so!

The problem is that no spoon will ever be right for the pudding cup. But designing a specific "pudding cup spoon" is silly; not even I would carry that around with me, and with all my food texture issues, I'm like pudding's biggest fan. Here is what I suggest: Make a wider, shallower pudding cup. Without an inverse rim for stability. Go to Brookstone and check out their retarded wobbling clocks. "Push me," say their labels, "I'll never fall over! Also, I can tell you the humidity in Tokyo and the temperature of Idi Amin's butt - it's not real warm 'cause he's dead!" Not that you'd want your pudding cups to tell people humidity or the condition of dictator corpses, because really, no one wants a clock that does that either. But if you mimic their Wobble Technology, you don't need the rim! And if there is no foot-rim-thing at the bottom, and the cup is shallow and wider, I can lick up all of the delicious pudding orts (or do orts have to be solid?) without getting my chin all chocolatey!

So there you have it, Jell-O Pudding People! This is a seriously awesome idea. Your wobbling (but never tipping!) pudding cups would be the hit of the season, and much as I hate your current ad campaign (that "wiggle on a jiggl'in' spree" song is just plain creepy), it would totally fit right in. In fact, it would be like you intended to introduce wobbling cups filled with wiggling pudding all along! Your ads could say, "Worried about tipping over the edge and right off your diet? Our Jell-O Pudding cups will never tip! They're the wobble in your diet that puts the wiggle in your walk! And the giggle in your talk! Yes, Jell-O Pudding makes the world go 'round!"


PS Could you also make Super Jumbo Sized pudding cups, for when you want to fill your whole mouth with pudding and just smoosh it around inside your cheeks with your tongue? I find that if I can get the entire contents of a current-sized pudding cup into my mouth at once, I get one good go-round. But if you made a Super Jumbo Sized pudding cup, I could do it at least twice whithout having to look like a glutton who took two pudding cups instead of her allotted one. People at work would think I made Pete go without pudding if I took two!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Back by popular request

This is for Joe!

Wrestler 2: Hey, let's all get drunk and stoned so that we can forget all about our Mat-Herp problems.
Cheerleader: I dunno guys...
Wrestler 1: It's okay; I drive better when I'm high.
[Exit wrestlers and cheerleader. Fade to black. Suddenly you hear a tires-squealing-car-going-out-of-control sound and two headlights blind you from the screen!]
Disemboddied Voice of Wrestler 1: Damn you Mat-Herp!

[Message appears at end: This story was based on true events. Sometime, somewhere, teenagers have drowned their sorrows over an STD in beer and weed. AND IT KILLED THEM! So remember kids: no glove, no love. Or wrestling. Because if you get an STD from a surface, YOU'LL DIE IN A FIRELY CAR CRASH!]


Um, Boston, can you, like, take a deep breath or something?

Boston, please to note how no other city freaked the hell out. Seriously. The world is just so weird. Boston is all like, "Oh my God, a Lite-Brite of a crappy cartoon show! Let's call the bomb squad and then yell at everyone when we're embarassed by how badly we've over reacted!" Meanwhile, back on the ranch... So long as the ranch is in Minnesota. And is also a wrestling mat.

Cheerleader: Hi Jimmy!
Wrestler 1 (AKA Jimmy): Oh, hey Suzy.
Cheerleader (AKA Suzy): Are you excited about the big meet this weekend? I'm gonna be there cheering - have you heard our new cheer? It's all about naked Michael Jackson to help you guys avoid a gnarly trip to Bonertown.
Wrestler 1: Oh, um, wow. It sure sucks that we won't get to hear that...
Cheerleader: What? Why??
Wrestler 1: Yeah, um, the meet has been cancelled. Someone got the herp and then humped the mat. And you know what they say in health class... When you hump some chick, you're basically humping every dude she's ever been with before you. Well that wrestling mat gets around, if you know what I mean.
Cheerleader: Oh my God. That's... that's...
Wrestler 1: Actually, the mat didn't get around nearly as much as Dwayne. Fawking Mat-Humper.
Cheerleader: That's... that's...
Wrestler 2 (AKA Dwayne; AKA The Fawking Mat-Humper): Jesus H. Gophernuts, Jim! I didn't hump the mat; I wrestled on it. And so did you. You know, you don't have to "do the deed" to get the pox. Sometimes just heavy petting is more than enough....
Cheerleader: That's SO GROSS! Oh my God! Mat-herp! EW!! What other surfaces are crawling with STDs?? My desk in History? The bench in the girl's locker room? Oh my God - could I get that rank fungus Ashley had under her toenails from sitting in the hall at lunch? Uhhhhggg... I think I'm gonna be sick...
Wrestler 1: Look, all I'm saying is that you had some oral herp before practice even started this year. If anyone gave the mat herpes...
Wrestler 2: You know, you're still contagious between outbreaks. Just because I'm the only one with open cold sores doesn't mean the other guys on the team are clean. What about you, huh? Maybe your herp isn't oral; maybe you got the genital herp.
[Cheerleader horks on feet of wrestlers.]
Wrestler 1: Oh man! Now my shoes are ruined! Damn you, herpes gladiatorum!
[Cue NBC "the more you know" logo and chime-y music]