Most Inappropriate Wedding Songs

This is a call for abstracts suggestions! Please submit your best examples of the worst wedding songs! Think inappropriate, ironic, hilarious and/or just plain wrong. And don't bother with the super obvious, because "Love Stinks" or "Love Hurts" or whatever go without saying. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

For the wedding march:
- Maneater (Hall & Oates)

For the ceremony:
- A Little Less Conversation (Elvis)

For the reception:
- I'm Not In Love (40cc or something... 10! 10cc!)
- Run Around Sue (Dion) [Only if you're marrying someone named Sue, especially if they are known for "running around."]

Okay, so go to town! I know you have some great ideas! And don't worry, we're not going to use these for our party song list. I've just been looking at "suggested play lists" for weddings and they're so much worse and more cliche than I could have ever imagined. It's all "Unchained Melody," "Too Good To Be True" and "Celebrate." Don't get me wrong, I like "Too Good To Be True," and even "Unchained Melody," but a whole evening's worth of similar songs and similar emotional climaxes... it's a bit much. Lucky for me, I've never been to a wedding with one of the suggested wedding playlists I've seen in magazines. Nonetheless, I do find myself thinking of what kinds of hilariously wrong songs could accidentally (or intentionally) be played at a wedding every time I find myself in a receiving line.

NBC Gives Back To Pete's Sister

NBC cares about the Martin Sisters' busy schedules. NBC knows that they are just crazy about SNL and never miss a new show. NBC also knows that they likely have other plans on their birthday, which falls on a Saturday this year. So NBC has decided to make things easy for them, to put on a new show that they wouldn't mind missing: Molly Shannon & Linkin Park. ::shudder::

Ah, family!

My family is pretty damn awesome. They're all happy and funny and they like everyone. Holidays are a hoot and even though we always tell the same stories the same way, even though we always play the same games and serve the same foods, even though the cousins all try to bait each other into the same traps and minor embarrassments, I always look forward to them. We're not a large family, but what we may lack in membership we more than make up for in personality.

Given that, they're pretty hard to compete with in the "awesome families" category. One might worry that marriage would pose a problem, as who wouldn't want to spend every holiday with such a splendid group of lovable scamps? But lo!, Pete's family matches mine pound for pound in awesomeness! Perhaps more, as they are generally smaller and narrower, and also there are even fewer of them. ::emoticon!:: Pete's family is all happy and wry and clever, and they like everyone too. And holidays are a gas, with their combination of English and American customs, their stories that are different every year, and those rare moments when someone says something so funny it gets a real, genuine guffaw out of one of Pete's brothers-in-law. Or one of his sisters, for that matter. And although he doesn't have cousins in town (or on this continent) he does have a niece and nephew, and they are pretty amazing.

This is just to say that I'm very grateful for how lucky we both are. And I would finish this post with some amazing summary, only I just rubbed my eyes with the hand that held the chili pepper I chopped for dinner (Asian steak salad!) so now I have to go wash away the burning.

More wedding thoughts

I think that what's hardest about all of this is that I'm not interested in the ceremony at all. Mom's best friend said, "Well, if they don't want to get married in front of people, they must not think it's going to last! Because that's the only reason you don't get married in front of people!" She was, of course, "kidding on the square" (thank you Al Franken, for that most useful of designations) - she knows that Pete and I wouldn't bother if we thought it wouldn't last, and I'm sure that's one reason people elope. The thing is, I just don't know what to do with ceremony and ritual. I either come up feeling empty - which is sad as ritual is supposed to add meaning - or uncomfortable. I don't want to be the center of attention unless I make myself the center of attention. The idea of everyone staring at me as I walk down the aisle between the two halves of everyone we collectively know makes me very uncomfortable and a little anxious. And I'm kind of a private person, when it comes to this stuff. I don't make out in grocery stores; I don't even kiss Pete in front of my mother, with whom we've lived for almost two years! So you can imagine how the idea of describing my innermost feelings for him in front of everyone I know and care about would make me more than a little uncomfortable.

But we can't seem to get out of some kind of a ceremony, no matter how small or short... I don't want to make an entrance. I don't want to solemnly swear or somberly vow anything. I don't believe that a formality makes our relationship any more real, any more, well, devoted. To be sure, the formality does change the relationship: we get new kinship terms for each other and our families; we get the aforementioned health insurance; we get to do our taxes differently; our "couplehood" (or whatever you want to call it) gets recognition for its seriousness without having to explain. But the formality doesn't create the sentiment. In fact, for me, it detracts from it. I have long been annoyed by the assumption that because I'm only 26 I don't know what a "real" relationship is. I've felt the term "boyfriend" was inadequate for about three years now, but fiance just leads to a whole bunch of questions I don't want to answer: ooh, when's the wedding? Do you have a theme? Are you doing it in a church or in front of a judge? What kind of dress do you want to get?

I don't know what the ceremony will be like. What we wanted to do was get a friend to sign all the papers (as the "Officiant") and then have select family members sign as witnesses. And then we'd exchange rings and smile and be happy, and we'd all go out to dinner with the fuller family and toast champagne and say, "hooray, now the state recognizes what we've known for years! We were meant to be!" I like the idea of doing it without really saying anything, that the realness of our love for one another is enough. But Mom said, "You don't think she'll [the "Officiant"] do it without making you say anything, do you?" And frankly, I don't know. But I am getting the very real impression that the way we want to do things will be spoken of with disapproval for the rest of our natural lives. Either as, "you'll never believe what they wanted to do... ridiculous!" or as, "you'll never believe how they did it... ridiculous!" And I have the distinct sensation that behind many of the smiling faces saying, "You have to do what's right for you and not worry about anyone else" (like the dental assistant when I got my teeth cleaned today) is the thought, "they're going to regret it; they'll look back and say, 'we were such foolish kids.'" I don't think I'm projecting; I think I'm extrapolating from similar experiences where there was more to the conversation after that point.

And none of this is to detract from ceremony in general! I have been to several really lovely weddings, weddings where I felt my heart swell with everyone else's as the bride and groom exchanged vows. I've been to several really weird weddings where the officiant went on too long, or inappropriately, or there was a karaoke power ballad, and I still felt moist-eyed at the exchange of rings or first kiss as husband and wife. But that was because the ceremony was meaningful to the people involved. I wasn't moved because someone said, "I do" or lit a candle. And that they wanted to share that moment with us was really wonderful! But that's just not who I am and I wish, I really truly wish that I could get that across to people. I'm not going to regret not having a ceremony, I'm not going to look back and go, "Oh, what a fool I was!" That's why we're having a big party - because that's the part that's meaningful to us. I'm going to look back on the beautiful pictures from that night and think, "What a great time! Everyone I know and love was there and it was just wonderful!" And every time I wear the dress or shoes I got for that party, I'll think of it and I'll feel happy and centered and lucky. And there won't be any uncomfortable or anxious moments.

On a semi-related note, last night my Mom told my Gramma, "Big news: Sydney's getting married!" Gramma said, "Sydney? Really? To whom?"

Please to keep in mind, Pete has seen Gramma pretty much every Christmas, Easter, 4th of July and Thanksgiving for the last five years. And that about five years ago, in one night, she referred to him as both "Steve" and "Rory." My Aunt said, "No Mom, that's Pete, that's Sydney's boyfriend Pete." Gramma said, "Oh, I thought his name was Steve." And that at this most recent Christmas she addressed his card to "Pete J." Gramma says, "What did you say his last name was?" And I said, "Martin." And Gramma says, "Oh! I thought it was Jackson!" Back to the story!

Mom says, "To whom! To Pete!" And Gramma says, "Oh Tina, but Pete's family!" Maybe we should have made out in front of my family...

The Shrimp Lady Arriveth!

Pete is the bestest and on his half day found an excellent vantage point from which to photograph the fabled Weird Shrimp Lady billboard. Here she is, in all her glory!

Health Insurance, Taxes and Other Reasons To Tie The Knot

Pete needs health insurance, so we've been debating getting married since we got back to Portland. We don't want to do it if we can't afford a party where all of our friends and family can come and celebrate with us, but we never have any money so we keep putting it off. Only now Pete can't get over this stupid cold - maybe it's bronchitis: we don't know because we can't afford a doctor! So I've been looking into throwing said crazy party towards the end of the summer, when people will likely be in town anyway, and I have discovered two things.

1) I am crap as a girl. The words "wedding" and "bridal" give me some hardcore tardwillies and I find myself thinking, "never mind! never mind!" every time I'm confronted with the "wedding planning" sections of venue websites. Aren't girls supposed to dream about this stuff from their wee days? Aren't we supposed to stand in front of a mirror in our mother's high heeled shoes wearing a cheesecloth veil and holding a bouquet of sock balls folded over wooden spoons, thinking, "Someday I too will be the blushing bride! O, how I long for that day, when my feminine destiny will be fulfilled!" I never once played "wedding" or "bride" or whatever little girls call that "game." I played Pioneer (specifically Laura Ingalls Wilder) and Princess Escaping Marauding Dragon. Please to note: the preferred roles in these games were Laura as a girl or adolescent and Princess; never Mrs. Manly Wilder or Queen. I also liked more generic pioneer games, usually ones in which I and the girl down the street played sisters who were orphaned at the foot of the Blue Mountains (typhus!) and had to make our lives out of the found objects left by other pioneers whose oxen could not bear the burden of their India Rose China Sets or dowry trunks full of lace curtains when faced with said mountains. I'm not sure what that says about me, other than I probably would have been crap as a pioneer too. "Ooh, look at all this free stuff! Hm, we're in Ontario, Oregon, you say? Good enough! Tea, anyone?"

2) Weddings are fawking expensive! This can also be read as: I am crap at math. I'm thinking $95 a head... that's not so bad. 100 people... that's what, $1,000?" Thank God I have Mom around to say, "Well, I don't know how, but if you want a $10,000 wedding..." And then I say, "Gaw!" And then there are some choking noises as I am both shocked at the actual price and ashamed of my inability to multiply by one hundred. ::shamed::

Here are things I don't need in a wedding: flowers (allergic); DJ (iPod); bouquet (see "flowers"); ceremony (allergic); bridesmaids (no need if no ceremony); garter toss ("That's not sexy." ::dirty looks:: "Oh, wait, yes it is!").

Things I do need in a party that might look like a wedding but is legally distinct: good music (iPod); good food; good friends; a nice venue; a couple nice speeches ::couJOEgh:: ; dancing (if people are into it); good beer and wine. Why is it so hard to get that for $1,000 or less?

Hey, Universe! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I'm not made of money, you know. So ease up!

Everything Else Doctor

Yea! I don't have bronchitis! I have asthma!

Eye Doctor

I just got back from getting my eyes checked: yes, they've gotten worse! I'm now at -4.00 in both eyes. Woot? It's about what I expected. I got the weird yellow numbing stuff - there cannot be any stranger feeling than having numbed tear ducts. I got the dilation drops, so my pupils are still large as dinner plates. But all of that is very routine, not very interesting. What was interesting, in my opinion, was the visit to the contact lens guy. I haven't been fitted for contacts since I first got them, which turns out to have been about 11 years ago. I figured he'd just measure my eyes, confirm that the size was right, and suggest a more expensive make and model of contact. He asked what kind I wear.
"Acuvue," I said.
"Oh, you mean Acuvue 2?" he asked. "Because Acuvue is really old, like their prototype disposible lens. No one really wears those anymore."
I said, "Sure, I guess. I don't really pay attention." Which is true. I was pretty sure it was just Acuvue, but whatever, I've been known to miss details before.
"Let's measure your corneas," he said. To be helpful, I offered up the numbers on my boxes of contacts, 8.4 and 14.0. "Oh, I guess you do wear Acuvue!" He said. "And I bet you have steep corneas. Only Acuvue uses 8.4; you'd be an 8.3 in Acuvue 2."
I thought to myself, "Great, contact lens sizes are like dress sizes now: totally arbitrary." He proceeded to use his weird machine to measure my corneas - the least unpleasent process at the eye doctor!
"Um, wow, well, that can't be right," he says from behind the apparatus.
"Hm?" I say.
"Well, by this measurement your corneas are flat, like really flat. I'll do it again, to be sure." So he measures again, and gets the same numbers. "Wow, um, someone really messed up when the last time this was done. You're nearsighted, so I would expect you to have steep corneas, that's pretty common. Nearsighted plus an 8.4 on your old contacts, that's definitely what I would expect to see. But your corneas are flat. Not just relative to what I expected, I mean there's steep, there's medium, and then there's flat and yours are flat. You're more like an 8.8."
I'm not really sure what this means, except that according to the contacts guy, not only were my lenses behind the times technologically, but they were actually too tight. I never had any problems with them, they never hurt or gave me dry-eye, so I didn't think it mattered. Then he gave me a pair that were the right size and prescription to try out. I will tell you what I told him. You know those commercials where some girl says, "Wow, it's like I'm wearing nothing at all!"? (Be sure to say that last part in a Teen Girl Squad kind of voice.) I always thought that was a little specious, like, "Of course you know you're wearing contacts, you can feel that they're there, you just don't think about it all day." Well, now I know that those commercials aren't specious at all - I was wearing poorly sized contacts! The second these new contacts touched my eyes, it was like they dissolved. I didn't have to roll my eye and blink twice to get it to lay flat, I didn't have to pull it out and start over. It was so comfortable, in fact, that I pulled my lid to the side and mimed putting on eyeliner, something that always dislocated my old contacts. Not even a little movement.
So hooray! It is totally worth it to get this stuff redone every decade or so. You know, just in case.

Movie List

So I was reading a post on a blog linked to by The Hired Tongue (Quixotic Quest, 04 Feb 2007 11pm) and it has this crazy movie list he found somewhere on Facebook. Here's what he says, "SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 movies on this list.
...Behold, the most random assortment of movies I have ever beheld. I am at a loss for what holds them together. The list has a certain horrid fascination, though. Enjoy." And my God if he isn't right! It is a list of horrid facination! His score was 65. Mine is 108. What's hilarious is that while I don't have a life (so, that rating is perhaps accurate), I never go to the movies! Ever! The last movie I saw in the theater was "The Ballad of Ricky Bobby," and the one before that was "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." And yet this list would have you believe that I am quite the movie buff! So here is "my" list, with some additional symbols as I felt like this left something to be desired in caveats (like, "it was on TV" or "I was trapped on a plane").
(x) I’ve seen it
(~) I’ve seen part of it (not counted)
( ) I haven’t seen it
(x)tv I saw it on tv
* Saw on a plane
^ Mom owns
# I own

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease ^#
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean ^#
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest ^
( ) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club ^#
(x) Starsky and Hutch 
(x) Neverending Story 
(x) Blazing Saddles 
(x) Airplane 
Total: 9 

(x) The Princess Bride ^#
(x) AnchorMan 
(x) Napoleon Dynamite ^#
( ) Labyrinth 
( ) Saw 
( ) Saw II 
( ) Saw III 
( ) White Oleander 
( ) Anger Management 
(x) 50 First Dates 
(x) The Princess Diaries 
(~) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement 
Total so far: 14 

(x) Scream 
(x) Scream 2 
(x) Scream 3 
(~) Scary Movie 
( ) Scary Movie 2 
( ) Scary Movie 3 
( ) Scary Movie 4 
(x) American Pie 
(~) American Pie 2 
( ) American Wedding 
( ) American Pie Band Camp 
Total so far: 18 

(x) Harry Potter 1 ^#
(x) Harry Potter 2 ^
(x) Harry Potter 3 ^
(x) Harry Potter 4 ^
(x)tv Resident Evil 1 
(x)tv Resident Evil 2 
(x) The Wedding Singer 
(~) Little Black Book 
( ) The Village 
(x) Lilo & Stitch 
Total so far: 26 

(x) Finding Nemo ^
(x) Finding Neverland ^
( ) Signs
( ) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x)tv 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(x) Robots *
Total so far: 30 

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events *
(~) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x)tv KingPin
(x)tv Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(~) Joe Dirt
(~) KING KONG ^ [the remake, not the original]
Total so far: 35

( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber [the original, not the remake]
Total so far: 36 

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago ^
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy #
(x) Secret Window 
( ) I Am Sam 
( ) The Whole Nine Yards 
( ) The Whole Ten Yards 
Total so far: 39 

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(~) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles ^
( ) Remember the Titans 
( ) Coach Carter 
( ) The Grudge 
( ) The Grudge 2 
(x)tv The Mask 
( ) Son Of The Mask 
Total so far: 43

( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Sleven
(x) Ocean's Eleven ^
(x) Ocean's Twelve ^
(x) Bourne Identity ^
(x) Bourne Supremecy ^
(x) Lone Star #
(x)tv Bedazzled 
( ) Predator I 
( ) Predator II 
( ) The Fog 
( ) Ice Age 
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown 
( ) Curious George 
Total so far: 49 

(x) Independence Day ^
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss’s Daughter
(~) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds ^
(x) Rush Hour ^
(x)tv Rush Hour 2 
Total so far: 53 

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways ^
(x)tv Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x)tv Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump ^
( ) Big Trouble in Little China 
(x) The Terminator 
(x) The Terminator 2 
( ) The Terminator 3 
Total so far: 62 

(x) X-Men ^#
(x) X2
( ) X-3
(x) Spider-Man ^
(x) Spider-Man 2 ^
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday [the original and the remake]
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek ^
(x) Shrek 2 *
Total so far: 71 

( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street ^ [There is only the original, right?]
(x) Old School 
( ) The Notebook 
( ) K-Pax ^
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe 
( ) A Walk to Remember 
( ) The Glass House 
( ) Boogeyman 
(x) The 40-year-old-virgin 
Total so far: 74

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring #^
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers #^
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King #^
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark #
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom #
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade #
Total so far: 80

(x) Baseketball #
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x) Elf ^
(x)tv Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
(~) American History X ^
( ) Three
Total so Far: 83

(x) Mean Girls ^
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.^
(x) Titanic ^
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail #
( ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far: 87

(x) Sleepy Hollow
( ) Club Dread
(~) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
( ) Chronicle Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
(~) Drumline
(x)tv Hocus Pocus
Total so far: 91

(x)tv Kill Bill vol 1 *^
(x)tv Kill Bill vol 2 *^
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) The Hills Have Eyes
(x) Uptown Girls
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 95

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
(x)tv Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(x)tv Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 103

(x) The Matrix #^
(x) The Matrix Reloaded ^
( ) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Snakes on A Plane
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
( ) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal

Total seen: 108
Total I’ve seen part of: 12

GROSS PICTURE! FOR SERIAL! LIKE WITH BLOOD AND STUFF! EW!

Some of you may be wondering what happened with my second allergy test, which I had like a month and a half ago. As you'll recall, I was initially tested for a bunch of gross categories (and here I mean gross in the sense of "general" rather than "icky"). Anything for which I did not test positive was put on the docket for the more specific, under-skin test. Have you ever gotten a TB test, to see if you've ever been exposed? If not, a nurse uses a very very fine, short needle to put a little pocket of fluid just under your skin. It hurts less than a bee sting unless you get a super good nurse, and then it doesn't hurt at all. Imagine having 18 TB tests done on your upper arm and that's what the second round of allergy testing was like. Would you like to see the result?
Yeah, the red dots are blood, but that wasn't so bad. The bigger the swollen welt, the more allergic I am! Woot! I was going to ask them for a list of all the things they tested me for with each one marked positive or negative. But then I was positive for all of them, so the list seemed redundant. The good news? I'm least allergic to dust! Hooray? ...! My favorite thing for which I was tested was "smut." It's a kind of mold, but I like being able to tell people that I'm allergic to smut. If only I could orchestrate it so that I would sneeze whenever I saw a "Girls Gone Wild" ad... I'm sure some Pavlovian thing with steel drums would do the trick. I'm also really allergic to grass, tree pollen and cats! Thank God I live in an arid, scrubby environment with no pets!

Elephant's Appendage

There's a painted ad for Elephant's Delicatessen on Burnside that looks a little, um, "anatomical" to Pete and I. Sure, when we saw the ad for the first time we got that it was the elephant's tail. But we both realized that the same way: "Dude, that tail totally looks like a penis." I leave it to you to decide if we're just too immature or if that ad could have used a better editor.

As an aside, we tried to get "It's Time!" pictures, but while we've been sick new billboards went up and now I don't know where they are. But don't worry, I'll get them!

"It's Time!"

Is anyone else creeped out by Fred Meyer's "It's Time!" campaign? It's been around since last year and I think it is just crazy weird. It totally looks like they're a cult sending not-so-secret messages to their followers. Pete pointed out that it also looks like none of the people pictured have any understanding of how to eat the fruit or vegetable they're holding. I'll try to take some pictures, in case Portland is the only place these billboards appear. I looked on-line, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks they're strange enough to photograph.

Also, the Indian casino billboard on I-84 east at 33rd of the lady eating shrimp is totally hilarious. I'll also try to get a picture of it. It looks like someone else is weilding the shrimp fork. Like that part of the "Dick in a Box" video where Justin Timberlake pokes Kristen Wiig with a feather - same idea, only think "scary smiling woman being poked with a jumbo prawn on a shrimp fork."

Hm. You know, in the telling, that does not sound so hilarious.

New Feature: Pete Stuff

So FREQUENTLY, Pete finds something awesome and hilarious on-line and I am like, "You should post this on your blog." And he says, "But no one reads my blog. You should post it on yours." And I point out that people would read his blog if he ever posted anything on it. It's a circular argument. So I hereby inaugurate the "Pete Stuff" feature which will appear any time we have one of these retarded conversations. It's to benefit all of you, The People. I was originally going to call this feature "Awesome Stuff That Pete Found On The Internet But Is Too Lazy To Post On His Own Goddamn Blog," but then I didn't think I'd want to retype that every time he identifies something new.

This first "stuff" actually comes via Pete from Ben. Are you familiar with Viva Pinata? Pete and I discovered it some time ago and it is muy weird. It deeply bothered me at first because I could not determine, try as I might, whether or not it was ironic. I hate that! Now it doesn't bother me, but I still find it unwatchable. Nonetheless, this Viva Pinata-related video on YouTube is hilarious. Please to enjoy!

Newt Gingrich is an A-hole

Seriously, that guy ought to be tied to a chair and forced to watch his family suffer the indignities that his proposed policies would inflict on others. I don't even know where to start on this one. The fact that bilingual education has been scientifically shown to make kids do better not just in language classes, but in all subjects? That a bilingual society is not a weak society? That it's illegal in many states (like Oregon) to provide English-only election materials? That it's flat out immoral to even want to do so?? ::pant:: ::pant:: I'm just not going to start anywhere. I can only hope that he and his entire clan are kidnapped by Mexican radicals who put them in a living tableau where they have to obtain false papers, work crappy jobs for less than minimum wage, are given no help in learning Spanish, and then are asked to sign important papers and vote in local elections all in a language they barely understand. Even better - let's make it Chinese kidnappers, to simulate what it's like for illiterate people to try and hazard their way through our society.