Boston, please to note how no other city freaked the hell out. Seriously. The world is just so weird. Boston is all like, "Oh my God, a Lite-Brite of a crappy cartoon show! Let's call the bomb squad and then yell at everyone when we're embarassed by how badly we've over reacted!" Meanwhile, back on the ranch... So long as the ranch is in Minnesota. And is also a wrestling mat.
Cheerleader: Hi Jimmy!
Wrestler 1 (AKA Jimmy): Oh, hey Suzy.
Cheerleader (AKA Suzy): Are you excited about the big meet this weekend? I'm gonna be there cheering - have you heard our new cheer? It's all about naked Michael Jackson to help you guys avoid a gnarly trip to Bonertown.
Wrestler 1: Oh, um, wow. It sure sucks that we won't get to hear that...
Cheerleader: What? Why??
Wrestler 1: Yeah, um, the meet has been cancelled. Someone got the herp and then humped the mat. And you know what they say in health class... When you hump some chick, you're basically humping every dude she's ever been with before you. Well that wrestling mat gets around, if you know what I mean.
Cheerleader: Oh my God. That's... that's...
Wrestler 1: Actually, the mat didn't get around nearly as much as Dwayne. Fawking Mat-Humper.
Cheerleader: That's... that's...
Wrestler 2 (AKA Dwayne; AKA The Fawking Mat-Humper): Jesus H. Gophernuts, Jim! I didn't hump the mat; I wrestled on it. And so did you. You know, you don't have to "do the deed" to get the pox. Sometimes just heavy petting is more than enough....
Cheerleader: That's SO GROSS! Oh my God! Mat-herp! EW!! What other surfaces are crawling with STDs?? My desk in History? The bench in the girl's locker room? Oh my God - could I get that rank fungus Ashley had under her toenails from sitting in the hall at lunch? Uhhhhggg... I think I'm gonna be sick...
Wrestler 1: Look, all I'm saying is that you had some oral herp before practice even started this year. If anyone gave the mat herpes...
Wrestler 2: You know, you're still contagious between outbreaks. Just because I'm the only one with open cold sores doesn't mean the other guys on the team are clean. What about you, huh? Maybe your herp isn't oral; maybe you got the genital herp.
[Cheerleader horks on feet of wrestlers.]
Wrestler 1: Oh man! Now my shoes are ruined! Damn you, herpes gladiatorum!
[Cue NBC "the more you know" logo and chime-y music]
FIN
2 comments:
Of course, it's not a real afterschool special until someone dies in a drunken car crass, gets pregnant, overdoes on drugs, or dies of an eating disorder.
I demand a grisly, corpse-strewn sequel! Huzzah!
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