Friday, February 02, 2007

An Open Letter To The Jell-O Pudding People

Hello Jell-O People! Or are you a subsidiary of some MecaGiantFoodCorp, like Kraft or Kroger? Well, whomever, I have an idea for product improvement that I think you'll like. And this one is a freebe. That's right: I'm just giving it away!

First of all, DON'T CHANGE YOUR PUDDING. I love the pudding just the way it is. At least the full calorie stuff. And I did my lable reading: I know that you're trying to weed out the people who are into pudding just for the calorie cut but not for the silky smoothness or the super deliciousness. The "100-Calorie Pack" that tastes of artificial sweeteners? Only a few calories less than the a cup of the "full fat" pudding. Hahahahaha! Take that, all you people who just jumped on the pudding bandwagon when it started to market itself as "diet food!" You deserve what you get!

No, the thing you should change is the packaging. Here is my problem: My spoon cannot get into all the nooks and crannies of your pudding cup. What's that you say? It's round, so it doesn't have nooks and crannies? Au contraire, Moose Breath! It has plenty because of that little inverse rim around the bottom to keep the cup from falling over. Because my spoon can't get all the pudding, I am always reduced to licking. And the cup is too deep! My tongue can't reach the bottom and I end up with a chocolate ring around my chin. How embarassing! I'm 26, for crying out loud! But don't I deserve every last drop of wonderful pudding in my cup? I should think so!

The problem is that no spoon will ever be right for the pudding cup. But designing a specific "pudding cup spoon" is silly; not even I would carry that around with me, and with all my food texture issues, I'm like pudding's biggest fan. Here is what I suggest: Make a wider, shallower pudding cup. Without an inverse rim for stability. Go to Brookstone and check out their retarded wobbling clocks. "Push me," say their labels, "I'll never fall over! Also, I can tell you the humidity in Tokyo and the temperature of Idi Amin's butt - it's not real warm 'cause he's dead!" Not that you'd want your pudding cups to tell people humidity or the condition of dictator corpses, because really, no one wants a clock that does that either. But if you mimic their Wobble Technology, you don't need the rim! And if there is no foot-rim-thing at the bottom, and the cup is shallow and wider, I can lick up all of the delicious pudding orts (or do orts have to be solid?) without getting my chin all chocolatey!

So there you have it, Jell-O Pudding People! This is a seriously awesome idea. Your wobbling (but never tipping!) pudding cups would be the hit of the season, and much as I hate your current ad campaign (that "wiggle on a jiggl'in' spree" song is just plain creepy), it would totally fit right in. In fact, it would be like you intended to introduce wobbling cups filled with wiggling pudding all along! Your ads could say, "Worried about tipping over the edge and right off your diet? Our Jell-O Pudding cups will never tip! They're the wobble in your diet that puts the wiggle in your walk! And the giggle in your talk! Yes, Jell-O Pudding makes the world go 'round!"


PS Could you also make Super Jumbo Sized pudding cups, for when you want to fill your whole mouth with pudding and just smoosh it around inside your cheeks with your tongue? I find that if I can get the entire contents of a current-sized pudding cup into my mouth at once, I get one good go-round. But if you made a Super Jumbo Sized pudding cup, I could do it at least twice whithout having to look like a glutton who took two pudding cups instead of her allotted one. People at work would think I made Pete go without pudding if I took two!


Eric said...

Syd, I should point out you're the one who got me started into Jello again back in The Cube. And I must say it makes a delicious snack. I do love taking those huge mouthfuls and swirling it around. Mmmm... Even if I feel like a glutton afterwards. I've wondered the same thing about yogurt cups as well. Why can't they just make a decent cup that you can scoop out of the bottom? I want all of my delicious, creamy product I purchased!

SonicLlama said...

Speaking of The Cube, do you guys remember those nasty, nasty Jell-O shots we made? Weren't those the most disgusting and vile food/alcohol hybrids ever? I think so.
Suffice to say, I've been sickened off all things Jell-O ever since, pudding and otherwise. It's irrational and Pavlovian, I know, but I can't make myself down any of the various products of the Jell-O corporation any longer. So, Syd, you can have my pudding cups. Go ahead, slurk away.

Joseph said...

I'm not too familiar with the consumption of pudding, but would a straw perhaps be an appropriate instrument for the extrication of the last remnants? You would then have to carry a straw around with you everywhere you went, but if you eat pudding as much as it sounds like you do, you could get a nice platinum-coated straw and wear it as a fashion accessory (a hair pick, for example) when you're not using it to eat with.

Eric said...

We made them out of HBR Vodka. That afternoon, I saw there was a bunch of condensation on the cellophane, and I remember thinking 'alcohol has a lower vapor pressure than water, I bet this is mostly ethanol.' I licked it up and my mouth was on fire for, like, a good few minutes. It was awesome. I miss college sometimes.

Sydney said...

Eric - yes, yogurt too! Although with Tillamook yogurt cups, I've found that they're big enough for a spoon to get most of it. It's those damn Yoplait ones... "C'est si bon" my eye!
Sonicllama - Pete and I were gone for the Jell-O shots, a fact for which I will be forever sorry. Well, not in the context of the HRD with which they were made. ::shudder:: the Baron... ::shudder::
Joseph - Dude, if you can drink your pudding with a straw, it is not thick enough. It's an interesting idea from the standpoint of portability and efficiency, but your spoon should be able to stand up when sunk into an appropriately textured pudding. (Okay, it has to be pretty far into the pudding cup and the pudding cup must be full, and it will eventually fall over, but initially at least it should stand up.) But good thinking! Now if only the pudding people would try to get creative with it...

Eric said...

I will not stand for your mockery of The Baron! That was a wonderful & thoughtful gift from Pete, if you recall.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.