Thursday, November 23, 2006

Stink has to follow the laws of physics, right?

Is it just me or have grocery store scented candles gone insane? I just saw a commercial that went, approximately, "Scented candles are great, but they don't disperse scent quickly through the whole room. Thank God for Glade Scented Oil Bombs! For when you just can't get your whole home to reek of noxious florals fast enough!" I have never in my life thought, "Hot damn, this scented candle just doesn't stink enough." I have thought, "Hot damn, this scented candle - which smelled nice in the store - totally reeks now that I've lit it. I will never get this scent out of this room! Arrrrggg!!" Who wants an even more powerful scented awful? (That's right: I've nouned "awful." Deal with it!)

My theory is that people no longer care if their home is clean or hygenic. They only care that it doesn't smell as nasty as it is. Case in point: Fabreeze. Maybe, if you house stinks, you should clean it rather than just trying to remove the odor. I have had Mystery Stink in my home. And I have not fabreezed. I have sought it out. And vacuumed, cleaned, aired... There are only a couple of reasons why I use the stuff: 1) Clothes that must be dry cleaned which are not dirty but have been to a bar and reek of smoke; 2) Smells that have been cleaned but persist due to their awfulness (cat pee).

Here is my question: Where does the fabreeze go? I've watched it settle into the fabric it's sprayed on. I don't believe the commercials that it sucks the stink out of the fabric, traps it in little hovering fabreeze orbs, and then implodes, leaving no stink behind. Doesn't that violate at least one law of physics or thermodynamics or similar? If anyone knows where the fabreeze goes, I would like to know. -z.

Also, I invented a recipe tonight for brussel sprouts. Pete likes them, what can I say, and I like to cook. But my grandmother said that they were the "best brussel sprouts I've ever eaten." So if you like them or cabbage, or think that you might like them, I would be happy to share the recipe!


Anonymous said...

Hey, look! Your aich tee em ell is all fixified!

I always figured Febreeze just pulled stink into some weird pocket dimension, which can only be gotten through via Febreeze, hyperspace, and teleportation. Which means that FTL travelers must end up real stinky at the other side.

I'd love to have your recipe, since you and I (and your grandma?) are apparently the only people in the world that like brussel sprouts...

Anonymous said...

Not only did you noun "awful," but you verbed "noun," which is awesome.
My theory is that febreze doesn't actually do anything to the environment around it. Instead, it zooms into the nearby nostrils of those in the room, and tricks them into thinking things smell nice. (Some remains in reserve, hovering in the air waiting for new nostrils, but this febreze quickly disperses.) So, the stink remains, but subjective opinions are changed. It's like a Cartesian evil genius in a spray bottle.

Natalie said...

You have seen the holiday version of this comercial, haven't you?

Holiday candles can look too much a like - Glade candles come in sizes and colors!

I kid you not.

Sydney said...

Oh my God - do they think people are completely retarded? "Colors 'n' sizes? Well hot damn, mama! Fire up the house, we's a' goin' shoppin'!" I can't wait to see it for myself.

I also like the one where the woman gets the Glade holiday candles and removes the labels. Then her friends come over and ask her where she got them. "Ooh, are they GLADE?" they ask, only too eager to be given tips from this home decor maven. "Oh no," she says, wanting to impress such obvious sychophants, "They're French." Only, one of the stickers from the side of a candle has stuck to her skirt. As she leads her friends/groupies down the hall to the kitchen, one of them audaciously grabs the sticker and holds it out for the others to see. "Oh!" she cries, with delight, "It must be pronounced, Glahd-ay!" And they all cackle in unison, even Their Leader, because now they are all in on her secret: Glade is clearly her favorite, but French candles are always more impressive.

Natalie said...

Apparently Glade has self-esteem issues, and cannot believe that they are the best.

Here's the real question. Have you seen the scent CD player with different scent CD's which play scentscapes!? There's a winning idea.

Here's the product description form

Product Description
Treat your senses to the wondrous scents and sounds of nature with this Febreze Scent Stories Player with "Sounds of Nature" CD. The easy to operate, top-loading scent player comes with the "Exploring a Mountain Trail" scent disc. Just pop the scent disc in the Scent Stories player and the CD in your stereo, and your senses will be awash in the beauty of nature.

Like every Scent Stories disc, this one "plays" 5 consecutive, complementary scents that take you on a 2-1/2 hour olfactory journey. It is a unique and innovative way to keep your home fresh and inviting. And with push-button controls you can play, stop and skip scents, and change scent intensity in the same easy, intuitive way you control the music and volume on the accompanying CD. Additional details of your Scent Stories player and music CD by Fabreze include:

"Exploring a Mountain Trail" scent disc
"Sounds of Nature" music CD
AC power cord
Scent disc lasts for 25 plays (50 hours) or more
Model # BSSP101-U
Comes with manufacturer's 1 year limited warranty