Monday, January 21, 2008

Live Blogging: The American Gladiators Experience

7:58pm - Pete and I have decided that we have to see the reborn American Gladiators to believe it. Or at least Pete has decided this, so I'm going to live blog.

8pm - The Hulkster just asked, "Where are my Gladiator Maniacs?" Um, I think you mean "hulkamaniacs."

8:01 - "And a tomboy goes against a lawyer..." Yes, truly it is the fight of the century.

8:02 - Wait, does the winner become a gladiator? During the Gladiator Roll Call, Pete just said, "Fury is a dude." That may well be true.

8:03 - First challenger - a 25-year old dude - is already crying over his mom dying of cancer. Can we have a game show these days without a back story?

8:04 - Pete says, "This is so close to Running Man." Except none of these douche bags dies. That'd be the main difference.

8:05 - "Big hit for Justice, the battle gladiator." Aren't all of them battle gladiators?
- I think the Hulkster and the first competitor were going to make out.

8:06 - The second competitor's back story involves children. Um, also, these guys are clearly actors. And isn't the scripting of this a violation of the writer's strike?

8:08 - The hulk only has one response to the competitors- "Unbelievable dude, unbelievable brother."
- Sob story... oh, I'm sorry, "back story" number 3: a Chinese tom boy whose father wanted a son and who's been petitioning to bring back American Gladiators since 2005. She clearly thinks she is the cutest thing since Teddy Ruxbin.

8:10 - Now Chinese Tom Boy is calling the Hulkster "brother."
- Competitor 4: A lawyer who is also a lady football player. She did not petition to bring the show back. I doubt her dedication and conviction.

8:12 - Chinese Tom Boy made it much higher up the rock-climbing wall because she weighs next to nothing. The gladiator is grabbing her around the waist to pull her off the wall. It's making a hilarious humping motion that I'm sure will end up on You-Tube to some '70s porn, wah-pedal heavy music.

8:13 - The Gladiator "Wolf" is pretty, um, awesome? He's got a little of The Nuge in him. And also golden locks that would make the three bears crave porridge.

8:16 - The Norse God Thor. That's what Wolf is going for. But Zaphod Beeblebrox from the movie of Hitchhiker's Guide is kind of what he achieved. They're on a pyramid of gym mats. Oh, about Gladiator Justice earlier, they said, "It's Hammer Time!" just in case you forgot that this dates to the early '90s.

8:18 - They're all wearing these neck braces that look like they're meant to pop your head off rather than protect you.

8:20 - Evidently kicking isn't allowed, but stepping on somone's head is. Semantics!

8:21 - I think Chinese Tom Boy and Gladiator Crush had a moment there. At the end they were mumbling through their mouth guards at each other and hugging. This is a weird show. I can't tell if it's intentionally homoerotic or if it's accidental.
- Militia ("Army of One") appears to have a bowling ball in his cup.

8:23 - "Son, you've gotta hulk it up, brother!" Cause the competitor's name is Son.

Wow, this is really long already. I say to Pete, "I hope this gets boringer soon." He says, "Well too bad, 'cause it's a non-stop thrill ride."

8:28 - Son is not very good at this.

8:30 - Oh, so much for semantics! Football Lawyer just got her points back for Gladiator Crush's illegal move.

8:31 - Wow, nice product placement, Nerf.

8:32 - I swear Chinese Tomboy got hit using the first weapon. Then she had to fire a crossbow but she didn't make it. I didn't remember there being a Nerf Crossbow.

8:33 - "I tried to shake and bake it, but it wasn't enough. Not enough shaking, I guess." Hrm, yes, that's what happened there.

8:35 - There is a commercial for Lipstick Jungle on. This looks like the worst, most anti-woman show since that Grey's Anatomy spinoff. "They're women, in a city, and they have sex sometimes," is Pete's analysis.

8:36 - I think Wolf just smelled Competitor 1's hair. Holy crap, he is hell of fast climbing that wall. The gladiators are acting like they won't get fed because they didn't catch these guys.

8:37 - Competitor 1's family gave the Hulkster goosebumps.

8:38 - There is a guy with a megaphone that says "GO CK" because those are Chinese Tom Boy's initials, but it totally looks like it said "GO FUCK" and was censored. Chinese Tom Boy just screamed something about the Gladiation, as in like Gladiator + Nation. Not the best portmanteau I've ever seen.

8:40 - You cannot look graceful on this show. I think Chinese Tom Boy thinks she's a boxer. She can't talk without bobbing and weaving. Of course Football Lawyer can't say a word without mentioning football some how.

Oh my God, how many commercials can there be? The answer: at least one more. Also, KGW thinks it's the #1 TV website or something. I guess other people aren't that bothered by their desire for your age, sex and zipcode every damn time you log on.

8:45 - Football Lawyer is not as good at this dodging-medicine-balls-on-a-plastic-bridge game as Chinese Tom Boy. I'm sure there's some joke there, somewhere.

8:47 - I think Competitor 1's cup is nobby. The lighting keeps highlighting it. Also, Competitor 2, Son, is not very good at this.

8:48 - Ha! Proof that they're actors! The ref just called Competitor 1 ("Evan") "Chad" and he nodded. Haha!

8:49 - Hey, they stole all these obstacles from Ninja Warrior!

8:50 - How you can celebrate "the fastest time ever" in a show this new?
- Pete just said, "Nagano could take all these guys." Yes, but so could Mr. Ninja Warrior, the guy who competes on that show in a diaper and never makes it past round 1. [Correction: Mr. Ninja Warrior isn't the diaper guy, but he did compete in short-shorts once.]

They made a new Rambo movie. I... But... It's... Just, why? Why was this necessary?

Oh my God, there's a new Guinness World Record's show and it has someone undoing bra straps. That is the most American thing I've ever heard of!

8:55 - Football Lawyer is a whiner. Chinese Tom Boy is over-confident. Whose obnoxious idiosyncrasy will reign supreme?
"Are the containers ready?" The ref is having some issues.

8:57 - There's no real penalty for not completing these events. Also, they both suck at this. If "Chad" could do it in 1:30...

8:58 - To the Hulkster, everything is "unbelievable!" He must be the biggest nihilist ever: he doesn't even believe in things he's seen with his own eyes.

8:59 - Ooh, next week a "47-year old single mother takes on a precocious cheerleader! It's a battle of the ages!" and a long-haired chiropractor takes on... eh, someone else. But this guy has hippie hair! That's gotta be good, right?

Sadly, I will never know who becomes the next gladiator. Because I don't care. I don't know if this show is worse the second time around, but it was bad enough the first time that it really doesn't matter. How did this get brought back and yet Firefly and Freaks and Geeks remain canceled? It's a strange world.


Yvonne said...

You can turn watching the show into a drinking game based on the number of times the Hulkster says brother. That would pass the time well.

You know I seem to remember that in the original version during the final challenge that the Gladiators were there to beat the hell out of the contestants as they struggled through the obstacles. That made for good times.

You're correct though, it is just as lame as it was years ago.

Sydney said...

Yeah, that's a good point! Where were the gladiators to beat people up in the gauntlet? That would have been more interesting.

I like the idea of a drinking game. I think you could make it complicated and use different beers and liquors and drink for different things. A sip of beer for anyone the Hulk saying "brother," three sips for anyone else saying it. A half-shot of tequila (with salt and lime, or cinnamon and orange of course) anytime a gladiator wins a challenge, a half-shot of watermelon schnapps anytime a contestant wins. You'd be guaranteed about 6 shots a show and god knows how much beer. And maybe something for when Wolf howls or justice makes a hammer motion.

Wait a minute... I bet there's already an American Gladiators drinking game! On the interwebs! Where stuff is!

Also, did you ever try the Iron Chef drinking game? It was basically "take a sip of beer ever other second for an hour, except for commercial breaks." You were to take a drink every time the guy on the floor broke in, every time they guessed what ingredients were being used, every time someone cooked rice, every time someone make their "signature" food, and a big ol' drink every time you saw cameras in the shot. I never noticed before that night how frequently there are other cameras in the shot on that show. I'm not sure it would work as well with Iron Chef America, but with some tweaks I'm sure it'd get you just as drunk just as fast. I feel obligated to point out that I don't like beer enough for drinking games and assed out at the first commercial break. I'm not sure anyone in The Cube (the house we were living in sophomore year in college) made it through the episode. Maybe Eric. He has the willpowers.

Eric said...

Look at me not being dead to the world! Posting and carrying on! I don't think we ever tried an Iron Chef drinking game, but then again, not all nights in The Cube are perfectly recalled. Probably for the best.