Monday, July 06, 2009

An Open Letter to the Loud Engine Dickwads Who Drive Past My House

Dear Dickwads,

Okay, I get it, you have small penes. But there are many quieter alternatives to an unmuffled exhaust system for letting everyone know that. For instance, you could just walk around pantsless wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Hey everyone, I've got a small penis!" Or, if that's too direct for you, what about silk shirts open to the navel so that everyone can see your copious chest hair and gold medallions? Gold medallions + chest hair + unbuttoned silk shirt = small penis. That is math anyone can do. Another idea is to join a glamrock Toby Keith cover band. See? I'm full of ideas here and all of them are quieter than your goddamned engines!

The thing is, when you drive by I can't hear my husband speak, I can't hear the TV or the radio, I can't hear myself think. Sure, I know you have a small penis (your obvious goal in all of this), but I can't, in point of fact, see you because - and this is crucial - I'm inside my house. So you have not actually achieved your goal at all! I know someone has a small penis, but it could be your neighbor, Silk Shirt Steve. Or any of your biker buddies, or the guys in your Assholes of America Car Club. See? The pantsless thing would work way better! I mean, I can’t see you when I’m in my living room trying to watch Miss Marple on OPB anyway. So there’s no need to alert me to the passing-by of a truly tiny John Thomas. But if you did the pantsless thing, or the cover band thing (I do live next to a live music venue!), the laughter of the people who could see you would alert me and make me come to the window. Then, voilá! You would achieve your goal of me knowing about your less than mighty member!


With ire and lip-curling, homicidal frustration,


PS Maybe check the comments section for other ideas as to how you could more quietly share your little longfellow with the world. I have found the people who read my blog to be most helpful in all respects.


Joe said...

Oh, yes, there are other ways! Such as:

-Legally changing their name to Stumpy J. McTinypenis.

-Any form of leisure suit.

-Reading Maxim, especially issues where the cover story is something like "How to please a woman even though your dick makes a lady's pinkie look intimidating."

-Any form of combover or hair piece, which symbolically covers their bald head in the same way that their pubes obscure their tiny, tiny trouser snake.

-Smelling of Axe Body Spray, whose family of products is specifically marketed as a penile compensatory mechanisms.

-Consuming any cocktail that contains Red Bull.

-Wearing a t-shirt that says "Danger: Giant Penis." This is Portland. Everyone will get the irony.

Seph said...

I've always found that driving around on a comically large, ugly motorcycle while wearing a studded leather jacket effectively communicates this message. Granted, it's essentially the same as the method employed by your passers-by, but it might add some variety to their repertoire.