Friday, August 29, 2008


Okay, so here is my theory about McCain's bizarre choice: when he and Obama were the clear candidates, they sat down in a secret meeting and decided that Obama should clearly be the next president. "I will do everything in my power to make myself completely unpalatable," McCain says, his eyes tearful with pride, protecting his nation once again.
"I wish it didn't have to come to this, Old Friend," Obama says. "I wish this nation wasn't filled with idiots who will vote for any damn thing Fox News tells them to." McCain shakes his head.
"You know, I love this country more than anything. I would - and will - give my soul for it." Obama tries to interject, to console the brave warrior, but McCain raises his hand. "No, it's true. I just don't understand how people vote. I mean, if you truly love this country, wouldn't you want it run by experts?"
Obama smiles wryly. "Damn that Andrew Jackson... You know, it's been all downhill since he won on his "Isn't illiteracy cute? Ha ha!" ticket. Old Hickory indeed. But how will you do it, John? I mean, you've managed to look pretty forgetful and old these last few weeks, but you're no Bush. And even if you were, Americans keep electing that guy!"
"Yeah, what is up with that?" Both McCain and Obama are silent for a moment, scratching their heads in earnest thought. Then McCain continues: "It's quite simple, really. I'll be completely inconsistent in the positions I hold. I'll make bizarre claims and generally act like an old goat. When given a host of viable VP candidates, I'll choose some no-name, right wing wacko out of left field."
"What, like Miss Congeniality, Sarah Palin?" Obama jokes.
"Hey - that's not a bad idea. She's hot - and you know how I like the ladies - she's nuts, and she's totally inexperienced. She'll scare away the moderates, ire the sexists and get everyone else so hot under the collar they can't make it out the door to vote!"
"I don't know, it could be risky."
"But it's worth it, Friend! America is worth it!"
"You're doing a great thing, John. A great thing." They embrace and weep gentle tears of patriotic sacrifice.

Also, everyone should participate in Pete's LOLVP contest. I think it should be either VP, so look for those awesome "Wherz mah bukit??" Joe Biden pictures. Oh Internets, is there anything you can't turn into a meaningless meme?

EDIT: I fixed the spelling and punctuation errors. (Helps to have an editor for a husband!) I don't know why spell check wasn't underlining things before. And now it's underlining "wasn't." Truly, technology is a marvel. (I bet I just misspelled "marvel.")


Dale said...

Just read this aloud to my family, and they loved it.

Zhoen said...

Sure. As good an explanation as any.

(Oh, check spelling on embrace, and delete my comment.)

Tina said...

Does McCain really, I mean REALLY, believe that Hillary's supporters will vote for him based on this choice?! I just heard a Republican say, "Somewhere Hillary Clinton is smiling." BULLSHIT. She's no Hillary. She isn't credible. Hillary is experienced, smart, etc. etc. Palin does not meet the smell test. She's Miss Congeniality? For the love of God...

Dale said...

Absolutely, Tina. There's nothing new about an old white guy hiring a pretty woman for a job she's not qualified for, over the heads of older women who've worked hard all their lives. Hutchison might have garnered some of the disaffected Hillary voters. I don't think Palin will.

But basically, McCain had to break one way or the other -- energize the Republican base, or woo the independents and Reagan democrats. He's chosen to energize the base. I think it was a bad choice, but we'll see on election day. Palin's going to make very clear -- to about half of the voters, for the first time -- that McCain is seriously pro-life, and that "maverick" does not mean "moderate."

SonicLlama said...

That was awesome. It totally reads like the beginning of McCain/Obama slash fiction.

Aw yeah.