Movie List

So I was reading a post on a blog linked to by The Hired Tongue (Quixotic Quest, 04 Feb 2007 11pm) and it has this crazy movie list he found somewhere on Facebook. Here's what he says, "SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 movies on this list.
...Behold, the most random assortment of movies I have ever beheld. I am at a loss for what holds them together. The list has a certain horrid fascination, though. Enjoy." And my God if he isn't right! It is a list of horrid facination! His score was 65. Mine is 108. What's hilarious is that while I don't have a life (so, that rating is perhaps accurate), I never go to the movies! Ever! The last movie I saw in the theater was "The Ballad of Ricky Bobby," and the one before that was "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." And yet this list would have you believe that I am quite the movie buff! So here is "my" list, with some additional symbols as I felt like this left something to be desired in caveats (like, "it was on TV" or "I was trapped on a plane").
(x) I’ve seen it
(~) I’ve seen part of it (not counted)
( ) I haven’t seen it
(x)tv I saw it on tv
* Saw on a plane
^ Mom owns
# I own

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease ^#
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean ^#
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest ^
( ) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club ^#
(x) Starsky and Hutch 
(x) Neverending Story 
(x) Blazing Saddles 
(x) Airplane 
Total: 9 

(x) The Princess Bride ^#
(x) AnchorMan 
(x) Napoleon Dynamite ^#
( ) Labyrinth 
( ) Saw 
( ) Saw II 
( ) Saw III 
( ) White Oleander 
( ) Anger Management 
(x) 50 First Dates 
(x) The Princess Diaries 
(~) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement 
Total so far: 14 

(x) Scream 
(x) Scream 2 
(x) Scream 3 
(~) Scary Movie 
( ) Scary Movie 2 
( ) Scary Movie 3 
( ) Scary Movie 4 
(x) American Pie 
(~) American Pie 2 
( ) American Wedding 
( ) American Pie Band Camp 
Total so far: 18 

(x) Harry Potter 1 ^#
(x) Harry Potter 2 ^
(x) Harry Potter 3 ^
(x) Harry Potter 4 ^
(x)tv Resident Evil 1 
(x)tv Resident Evil 2 
(x) The Wedding Singer 
(~) Little Black Book 
( ) The Village 
(x) Lilo & Stitch 
Total so far: 26 

(x) Finding Nemo ^
(x) Finding Neverland ^
( ) Signs
( ) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
(x)tv 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(x) Robots *
Total so far: 30 

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events *
(~) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x)tv KingPin
(x)tv Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(~) Joe Dirt
(~) KING KONG ^ [the remake, not the original]
Total so far: 35

( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber [the original, not the remake]
Total so far: 36 

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago ^
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy #
(x) Secret Window 
( ) I Am Sam 
( ) The Whole Nine Yards 
( ) The Whole Ten Yards 
Total so far: 39 

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(~) Just Married
( ) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles ^
( ) Remember the Titans 
( ) Coach Carter 
( ) The Grudge 
( ) The Grudge 2 
(x)tv The Mask 
( ) Son Of The Mask 
Total so far: 43

( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Sleven
(x) Ocean's Eleven ^
(x) Ocean's Twelve ^
(x) Bourne Identity ^
(x) Bourne Supremecy ^
(x) Lone Star #
(x)tv Bedazzled 
( ) Predator I 
( ) Predator II 
( ) The Fog 
( ) Ice Age 
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown 
( ) Curious George 
Total so far: 49 

(x) Independence Day ^
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss’s Daughter
(~) Maid in Manhattan
( ) War of the Worlds ^
(x) Rush Hour ^
(x)tv Rush Hour 2 
Total so far: 53 

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways ^
(x)tv Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x)tv Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump ^
( ) Big Trouble in Little China 
(x) The Terminator 
(x) The Terminator 2 
( ) The Terminator 3 
Total so far: 62 

(x) X-Men ^#
(x) X2
( ) X-3
(x) Spider-Man ^
(x) Spider-Man 2 ^
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday [the original and the remake]
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek ^
(x) Shrek 2 *
Total so far: 71 

( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street ^ [There is only the original, right?]
(x) Old School 
( ) The Notebook 
( ) K-Pax ^
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe 
( ) A Walk to Remember 
( ) The Glass House 
( ) Boogeyman 
(x) The 40-year-old-virgin 
Total so far: 74

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring #^
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers #^
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King #^
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark #
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom #
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade #
Total so far: 80

(x) Baseketball #
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x) Elf ^
(x)tv Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
(~) American History X ^
( ) Three
Total so Far: 83

(x) Mean Girls ^
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.^
(x) Titanic ^
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail #
( ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far: 87

(x) Sleepy Hollow
( ) Club Dread
(~) Hulk
( ) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
( ) Chronicle Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
(~) Drumline
(x)tv Hocus Pocus
Total so far: 91

(x)tv Kill Bill vol 1 *^
(x)tv Kill Bill vol 2 *^
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) The Hills Have Eyes
(x) Uptown Girls
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 95

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
(x)tv Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(x)tv Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 103

(x) The Matrix #^
(x) The Matrix Reloaded ^
( ) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Snakes on A Plane
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
( ) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal

Total seen: 108
Total I’ve seen part of: 12

GROSS PICTURE! FOR SERIAL! LIKE WITH BLOOD AND STUFF! EW!

Some of you may be wondering what happened with my second allergy test, which I had like a month and a half ago. As you'll recall, I was initially tested for a bunch of gross categories (and here I mean gross in the sense of "general" rather than "icky"). Anything for which I did not test positive was put on the docket for the more specific, under-skin test. Have you ever gotten a TB test, to see if you've ever been exposed? If not, a nurse uses a very very fine, short needle to put a little pocket of fluid just under your skin. It hurts less than a bee sting unless you get a super good nurse, and then it doesn't hurt at all. Imagine having 18 TB tests done on your upper arm and that's what the second round of allergy testing was like. Would you like to see the result?
Yeah, the red dots are blood, but that wasn't so bad. The bigger the swollen welt, the more allergic I am! Woot! I was going to ask them for a list of all the things they tested me for with each one marked positive or negative. But then I was positive for all of them, so the list seemed redundant. The good news? I'm least allergic to dust! Hooray? ...! My favorite thing for which I was tested was "smut." It's a kind of mold, but I like being able to tell people that I'm allergic to smut. If only I could orchestrate it so that I would sneeze whenever I saw a "Girls Gone Wild" ad... I'm sure some Pavlovian thing with steel drums would do the trick. I'm also really allergic to grass, tree pollen and cats! Thank God I live in an arid, scrubby environment with no pets!

Elephant's Appendage

There's a painted ad for Elephant's Delicatessen on Burnside that looks a little, um, "anatomical" to Pete and I. Sure, when we saw the ad for the first time we got that it was the elephant's tail. But we both realized that the same way: "Dude, that tail totally looks like a penis." I leave it to you to decide if we're just too immature or if that ad could have used a better editor.

As an aside, we tried to get "It's Time!" pictures, but while we've been sick new billboards went up and now I don't know where they are. But don't worry, I'll get them!

"It's Time!"

Is anyone else creeped out by Fred Meyer's "It's Time!" campaign? It's been around since last year and I think it is just crazy weird. It totally looks like they're a cult sending not-so-secret messages to their followers. Pete pointed out that it also looks like none of the people pictured have any understanding of how to eat the fruit or vegetable they're holding. I'll try to take some pictures, in case Portland is the only place these billboards appear. I looked on-line, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks they're strange enough to photograph.

Also, the Indian casino billboard on I-84 east at 33rd of the lady eating shrimp is totally hilarious. I'll also try to get a picture of it. It looks like someone else is weilding the shrimp fork. Like that part of the "Dick in a Box" video where Justin Timberlake pokes Kristen Wiig with a feather - same idea, only think "scary smiling woman being poked with a jumbo prawn on a shrimp fork."

Hm. You know, in the telling, that does not sound so hilarious.

New Feature: Pete Stuff

So FREQUENTLY, Pete finds something awesome and hilarious on-line and I am like, "You should post this on your blog." And he says, "But no one reads my blog. You should post it on yours." And I point out that people would read his blog if he ever posted anything on it. It's a circular argument. So I hereby inaugurate the "Pete Stuff" feature which will appear any time we have one of these retarded conversations. It's to benefit all of you, The People. I was originally going to call this feature "Awesome Stuff That Pete Found On The Internet But Is Too Lazy To Post On His Own Goddamn Blog," but then I didn't think I'd want to retype that every time he identifies something new.

This first "stuff" actually comes via Pete from Ben. Are you familiar with Viva Pinata? Pete and I discovered it some time ago and it is muy weird. It deeply bothered me at first because I could not determine, try as I might, whether or not it was ironic. I hate that! Now it doesn't bother me, but I still find it unwatchable. Nonetheless, this Viva Pinata-related video on YouTube is hilarious. Please to enjoy!

Newt Gingrich is an A-hole

Seriously, that guy ought to be tied to a chair and forced to watch his family suffer the indignities that his proposed policies would inflict on others. I don't even know where to start on this one. The fact that bilingual education has been scientifically shown to make kids do better not just in language classes, but in all subjects? That a bilingual society is not a weak society? That it's illegal in many states (like Oregon) to provide English-only election materials? That it's flat out immoral to even want to do so?? ::pant:: ::pant:: I'm just not going to start anywhere. I can only hope that he and his entire clan are kidnapped by Mexican radicals who put them in a living tableau where they have to obtain false papers, work crappy jobs for less than minimum wage, are given no help in learning Spanish, and then are asked to sign important papers and vote in local elections all in a language they barely understand. Even better - let's make it Chinese kidnappers, to simulate what it's like for illiterate people to try and hazard their way through our society.

Things I hate

Tim and Eric on Adult Swim.
I hate "Tom Goes To The Mayor." It is a stupid, stupid show.
I hate "The Tim and Eric Super Amazing Show! Good Job!" or whatever it's called.

They try so very very hard. And it is the worst form of contrived "randomness." It's not Dadaist, it's not absurdist. It's the ramblings of two idiots who were once told they were funny by a bunch of stoned losers and have taken it way too seriously.

Here is what I miss:
Sealab 2021
Space Ghost Coast to Coast
Venture Brothers (the second season was nowhere near as good as the first - shoddy production values).

Lo, my defenses have failed!

I am so very very sick. And I think it's cosmic punishment for bravado. This weekend I was all like, "Haha, isn't it funny that my brother's been sick for a week and a half, my mother's been sick all week and Pete's coming down with something and yet I'm not sick? Haha! I have the worst immune system ever! How ironic!" Yeah, well, that was a poor strategy. Monday night I started to feel bad and Tuesday I was sick, but nothing compared to Tuesday night. This cold has had diferent symptom sets for each of us - Aren and Mom have had bronchitis; Mom and I have had chills; Mom, Aren and Pete have had runny noses. But Tuesday night I had body aches and chills like you wouldn't believe. Every single point on my body hurt. And it didn't mater that I knew it was just viral, that it wasn't "real" pain, like from a sprain or whatever. I have no idea how people with chronic pain deal on a daily basis. One night of body aches and I was ready to throw in the towel. Wednesday was sore throat day and today is sore throat/coughing/feeling faint day. (I think maybe I have low blood pressure today? Is that possible?)

What I have learned is this: I am a HUGE sickness wimp. Mom's been crazy sick, but she hasn't missed a day of work. Aren only missed a couple days of work, and he was sicker than all the rest of us combined. Pete and I have really gotten off easy compared to them. But let's compare Pete and me. What did I do yesterday? I woke up at 4:20, at 5 and at 6:40 when I got up because there was no point. I watched TV in Mom's room until 8 when I fell asleep again. I slept until 11:30. I ate lunch. I watched tv until six or so and then I made chicken soup. I ate dinner, watched tv, and went to bed. Now, let's compare what Pete did. He got up around 10, brought in the recycling bins from the curb, took stuff down to the main post office to mail it, made lunch, cleaned out the cat boxes, ran to the store to buy chicken soup-making ingredients that we had run out of, put left over soup away and did the dishes. In short, Pete is amazing. Also, I am a huge wimp.

Happy Pi Day!

I just heard about this today. I think Pie Day would be better than Pi Day, but apparently (according to the American Pie Council, whatever that is) Pie Day is 1/23.

You know who is awesome?

Neil Patrick Harris, that's who. If you don't know who that is and you are American, you should look around your cave, gaze at your crude shelves full of anarchist tracts and survivalist literature, mentally catalog how long it took you to build that hydroponic "mini-collective-farm" out of old beehives, consider how long it's been since you had a hot shower or used soap, and ask yourself, "Has it been worth it?" Actually, I extend that command to anyone who doesn't recognize that name and is from an English-speaking country, because Doogie Howser, MD has had such a lasting influence on Western culture. Observe: Your doctor looks young? He gives you advice that seems specious? You want to be a jerk about it? There is only one thing to say! "Okay, Doogie, thanks. Now send in a real doctor and leave your plastic stethoscope at the door."

ANYWAY... my point is that Neil Patrick Harris is awsome. Proof? Pete will not only watch, but actually often enjoys watching a sitcom, "How I Met Your Mother." And I think he will confirm that the best parts are the Neil Patrick Harris parts. He just has perfect timing and makes even the most clichéd sitcom antics work (because he does so with a sense of irony). Also, the show seems to be written well, which helps. I had the hugest crush on him as Doogie Howser, MD, when I was but a girl, and that is one of only three school-girl-crushes-on-tv-or-movie-stars to which it is not embarrassing to admit.

And now you know who is awesome.

Post-Modernism: RIP

Do not ask for whom the bell tolls, for it tolls for post-modernism! And possibly critical theory. Let's take a look at our Important Post-Modernist Life & Death List, shall we? (*=Critical Theorist)

Ludwig Wittgenstein d. April 29, 1951
Theodor Adorno d. August 6, 1969
Martin Heidegger d. May 26, 1976
Roland Barthes d. March 28, 1980
Jacques-Marie-Emile Lacan d. September 9, 1981
Michel Foucault d. June 25, 1984
Louis Althusser* d. October 23, 1990
Jean-François Lyotard d. April 21, 1998
Pierre Bourdieu* d. January 23, 2002
Jacques Derrida d. October 8, 2004
Jean Baudrillard d. March 6, 2007

Jürgen Habermas*, beware! You're nearing your 88th birthday. And Noam Chomsky*... You just turned 88!

I was surprised that no one but the BBC covered the fact that Baudrillard died yesterday. Maybe they will today, but I doubt it. As important as he is to my field - or any qualitatively-oriented social science - I'd be surprised if enough people recognize his name to warrant any kind of televised obituary. I remember when Derrida died, endless seminars, tributes, discussion groups and other homages popped up all over campus. You would have though the French department had lost one of their own faculty! I can't imagine what they're doing for Baudrillard; maybe nothing, maybe they had a department-imposed day of mourning, I can't say.

If you don't know Baudrillard's work, you should totally check him out. His most famous work, Simulacra and Simulation (1981) is a little hard to read (and understand...) but I've heard his more recent stuff is much more accessible, if Crazy Liberal Propaganda (my favorite kind! ::squeal::). His book, America (1986), got pretty mediocre reviews - people thought he was stretching - but that would have been a hard time to be a post-modernist. His most recent stuff has been about how the Gulf War was really a simulacra - that the abstract reality of the war was entirely invented by public discourse and was not real (he does not dispute that it happened or anything like that). He has another book about how the same thing happened with 9/11. As you can imagine, he was not very popular in some quarters...

Anyway, I think it is strange to realize that Post-Modernism may have died yesterday along with M. Baudrillard. Sure, there are probably scholars who call themselves Post-Modernists out there. But who are they? What clout do they have? Do they represent an era of intellectual critique and epistemological change?

Also, if I left anyone off that list, let me know. Or don't, if this whole exercise has been too depressing. Just go read some Foucault and think happily about a time decontextualisation was a crazy new idea.

Valentine Dentist Appointment

Twenty-six years, zero cavities! And that's not the only good news I got at the dentist yesterday. My front tooth that's been all crazy sensitive to hot and cold is dying and will need a root canal. But the tooth itself is in such good shape, all they have to do is drill a small hole in the back and remove the root, and then patch it up with a little dental spackle! Where is the good news in a root canal, you may ask? I have no fear of the dentist, so the root canal doesn't bother me. There'll be Novocain and I'll have my iPod. It'll be a little open-mouthed nap and then my tooth will stop acting like a crazy old person. "It's too cold! No, it's too hot! What's wrong with the rest of you? Can't you tell how cold it is in here? You kids get off my lawn! Where's my condensed milk? I want to pay in nickels! Is it really past four pm? Past my bedtime!" Okay, so not exactly like a crazy old person. But as close as teeth get!

An Open Letter To The Jell-O Pudding People

Hello Jell-O People! Or are you a subsidiary of some MecaGiantFoodCorp, like Kraft or Kroger? Well, whomever, I have an idea for product improvement that I think you'll like. And this one is a freebe. That's right: I'm just giving it away!

First of all, DON'T CHANGE YOUR PUDDING. I love the pudding just the way it is. At least the full calorie stuff. And I did my lable reading: I know that you're trying to weed out the people who are into pudding just for the calorie cut but not for the silky smoothness or the super deliciousness. The "100-Calorie Pack" that tastes of artificial sweeteners? Only a few calories less than the a cup of the "full fat" pudding. Hahahahaha! Take that, all you people who just jumped on the pudding bandwagon when it started to market itself as "diet food!" You deserve what you get!

No, the thing you should change is the packaging. Here is my problem: My spoon cannot get into all the nooks and crannies of your pudding cup. What's that you say? It's round, so it doesn't have nooks and crannies? Au contraire, Moose Breath! It has plenty because of that little inverse rim around the bottom to keep the cup from falling over. Because my spoon can't get all the pudding, I am always reduced to licking. And the cup is too deep! My tongue can't reach the bottom and I end up with a chocolate ring around my chin. How embarassing! I'm 26, for crying out loud! But don't I deserve every last drop of wonderful pudding in my cup? I should think so!

The problem is that no spoon will ever be right for the pudding cup. But designing a specific "pudding cup spoon" is silly; not even I would carry that around with me, and with all my food texture issues, I'm like pudding's biggest fan. Here is what I suggest: Make a wider, shallower pudding cup. Without an inverse rim for stability. Go to Brookstone and check out their retarded wobbling clocks. "Push me," say their labels, "I'll never fall over! Also, I can tell you the humidity in Tokyo and the temperature of Idi Amin's butt - it's not real warm 'cause he's dead!" Not that you'd want your pudding cups to tell people humidity or the condition of dictator corpses, because really, no one wants a clock that does that either. But if you mimic their Wobble Technology, you don't need the rim! And if there is no foot-rim-thing at the bottom, and the cup is shallow and wider, I can lick up all of the delicious pudding orts (or do orts have to be solid?) without getting my chin all chocolatey!

So there you have it, Jell-O Pudding People! This is a seriously awesome idea. Your wobbling (but never tipping!) pudding cups would be the hit of the season, and much as I hate your current ad campaign (that "wiggle on a jiggl'in' spree" song is just plain creepy), it would totally fit right in. In fact, it would be like you intended to introduce wobbling cups filled with wiggling pudding all along! Your ads could say, "Worried about tipping over the edge and right off your diet? Our Jell-O Pudding cups will never tip! They're the wobble in your diet that puts the wiggle in your walk! And the giggle in your talk! Yes, Jell-O Pudding makes the world go 'round!"

XXXOOO,
Sydney

PS Could you also make Super Jumbo Sized pudding cups, for when you want to fill your whole mouth with pudding and just smoosh it around inside your cheeks with your tongue? I find that if I can get the entire contents of a current-sized pudding cup into my mouth at once, I get one good go-round. But if you made a Super Jumbo Sized pudding cup, I could do it at least twice whithout having to look like a glutton who took two pudding cups instead of her allotted one. People at work would think I made Pete go without pudding if I took two!

Back by popular request

This is for Joe!

Wrestler 2: Hey, let's all get drunk and stoned so that we can forget all about our Mat-Herp problems.
Cheerleader: I dunno guys...
Wrestler 1: It's okay; I drive better when I'm high.
[Exit wrestlers and cheerleader. Fade to black. Suddenly you hear a tires-squealing-car-going-out-of-control sound and two headlights blind you from the screen!]
Disemboddied Voice of Wrestler 1: Damn you Mat-Herp!

[Message appears at end: This story was based on true events. Sometime, somewhere, teenagers have drowned their sorrows over an STD in beer and weed. AND IT KILLED THEM! So remember kids: no glove, no love. Or wrestling. Because if you get an STD from a surface, YOU'LL DIE IN A FIRELY CAR CRASH!]

FIN

Um, Boston, can you, like, take a deep breath or something?

Boston, please to note how no other city freaked the hell out. Seriously. The world is just so weird. Boston is all like, "Oh my God, a Lite-Brite of a crappy cartoon show! Let's call the bomb squad and then yell at everyone when we're embarassed by how badly we've over reacted!" Meanwhile, back on the ranch... So long as the ranch is in Minnesota. And is also a wrestling mat.

Cheerleader: Hi Jimmy!
Wrestler 1 (AKA Jimmy): Oh, hey Suzy.
Cheerleader (AKA Suzy): Are you excited about the big meet this weekend? I'm gonna be there cheering - have you heard our new cheer? It's all about naked Michael Jackson to help you guys avoid a gnarly trip to Bonertown.
Wrestler 1: Oh, um, wow. It sure sucks that we won't get to hear that...
Cheerleader: What? Why??
Wrestler 1: Yeah, um, the meet has been cancelled. Someone got the herp and then humped the mat. And you know what they say in health class... When you hump some chick, you're basically humping every dude she's ever been with before you. Well that wrestling mat gets around, if you know what I mean.
Cheerleader: Oh my God. That's... that's...
Wrestler 1: Actually, the mat didn't get around nearly as much as Dwayne. Fawking Mat-Humper.
Cheerleader: That's... that's...
Wrestler 2 (AKA Dwayne; AKA The Fawking Mat-Humper): Jesus H. Gophernuts, Jim! I didn't hump the mat; I wrestled on it. And so did you. You know, you don't have to "do the deed" to get the pox. Sometimes just heavy petting is more than enough....
Cheerleader: That's SO GROSS! Oh my God! Mat-herp! EW!! What other surfaces are crawling with STDs?? My desk in History? The bench in the girl's locker room? Oh my God - could I get that rank fungus Ashley had under her toenails from sitting in the hall at lunch? Uhhhhggg... I think I'm gonna be sick...
Wrestler 1: Look, all I'm saying is that you had some oral herp before practice even started this year. If anyone gave the mat herpes...
Wrestler 2: You know, you're still contagious between outbreaks. Just because I'm the only one with open cold sores doesn't mean the other guys on the team are clean. What about you, huh? Maybe your herp isn't oral; maybe you got the genital herp.
[Cheerleader horks on feet of wrestlers.]
Wrestler 1: Oh man! Now my shoes are ruined! Damn you, herpes gladiatorum!
[Cue NBC "the more you know" logo and chime-y music]

FIN

I have spent way too much time looking for this

Seriously - I have spent literally hours looking for this "episode" of Questionable Content (what does one call an individual comic in a series?) even though it's way no longer relevant. But, um, Erika, the other night when you and Aren and I were chatting until all hours and I wanted Pete to look up a comic on quantum fetish mechanics? Yeah, so here it is. For everyone who isn't Erika, if you haven't read this QC, you totally should, and not just because I reference it all the time. Huh? Oh, also because it's funny. In addition, it's totally true. And Erika (or possibly my Mom) posed an interesting question: did so many weird fetishes exist before the internet? I mean, if you really liked elbows and peanutbutter, did you have to just wait until you got a really tolerant girlfriend, or did you have to hire hookers? Was there a magazine for you, maybe just a quarterly, perhaps called "Peanutbogen?" (That's my attempt at combining "Peanutbutter" and "elbogen," which is German for "elbows," I think. Yes, all of my German is this useful.) And how would you find said periodical? I swear to God, deviancy before the internet just boggles the mind. And to think: the internet has come into existance within my lifetime. Crazypants.

Rose-Colored Memories of TriMet

In high school, I road Tri-Met buses twice a day, every week day for like three years. Mostly I road the 9 or the 8 (once or twice the 41 and walked home from Fremont, or the 33 and walked home from Grant High School), although when being too lazy to walk from the bus mall to school, I took the 57. And sometimes I took the 20 up over the hill to where Mom worked at the time, or the 15 to look at clothes I would never be able to afford (much less fit into) on 23rd. And once, as a Freshman, I road the 12 all the way to the airport and back just to see how long it took.

The 9 ran Powell in SE, to the bus mall, and then into NE (Weidler to 24th to 27th). I caught it on 24th and Brazee and it was mostly filled with adults heading downtown to their white collar jobs. They read, listened to music, or stared out the windows quietly, occationally two would chat softly about their kids or someone they knew from work. It was very laid back, the other riders were just trying to get from one place to another without having to pay $100+/month for parking.

The 8, on the other hand, ran from deep inner NE to the bus mall, and then up the hill to the VA hospital, next to OHSU. From NE to the bus mall it was usually filled with gang bangers at the back and crazies at the front. I never saw truly lunitic people on the 9, but the 8 was like a magnet for them. From the bus mall up the hill, it was filled with sick veterans. From the VA to the bus mall and back out to NE it was also filled with sick veterans. And gang bangers. My brother, who is pretty much as white and non-threatening as you get (being above average height, but not over 6'; fit and slender, but not very "Fight Club," as it were; and a natural dirty blonde, which just fails to threaten the way, say, Goth Black would), Aren always chooses to sit at the back of the bus with the gang bangers when he rides the 8 rather than at the front with the creepy pedophiles and crazy cat ladies. He said that the bangers don't really know what to make of him. He's not a threat to them, he doesn't want to chat with them for some kind of passing, insane person's "street cred," and they probably feel the same way about the people at the front of the bus, so they leave him alone.

Anyway, this is all to say that I road the bus a lot and had a lot of contact with people from varied, um, "walks of life." But when I look back on those three years of riding the bus, I always think, "Man, TriMet is really a good system. It's clean, it's friendly, it's on time, and there really is a pretty decent social contract in place: I leave you alone, you leave me alone. Sure, I once saw an abusive drunk (or drug addict) get denied access to the bus, but as abusive and dangerous as he seemed, the bus driver held her own and he backed the fuck down. And if anyone was a chatty nutter, they made a bee-line for Aren anyway, so everyone else's social contract was still intact.

After my allergist appointment last Monday, I decided to take the bus to work. It was kind of a neat route: take the 20 down Burnside to E Burnside & Grand Blvd and then get on the 19 at the same stop. The 19 drops me off literally across the street from my office, and not the busy street (Glisan) either: the little numbered avenue that no one ever uses but the people who live on it. It's not often that you can transfer from one bus to another that usually run parallel to one another at the same stop when you're not on the bus mall.

The 20 was late and a little smelly. The other people on the bus were just people, I didn't mind them and they didn't mind me. Admittedly, the guy who sat down in front of me may have been the King of Hobo BO, but he took his odor with him when he got off just before the bridge. But when I got off at Burnside and Grand, there were these, well, assholes waiting at the stop for another bus. I got off the back of the 20 to the sounds of this dickwad yelling at the bus driver at the front. What was he pissed about? That it wasn't the 12. Like this was the driver's fault. "Oh, I'm so sorry sir, let me just dump these other passengers and change my reader board and we'll be on our way! Fuck the other people waiting for this bus!" The bus pulls away and he yells after it, "Fucking BUSES!!!" He had two or three buddies with him. And here is where I expose myself for the classest jackhole you always knew I was: they had that look of uneducated, alcoholic, NASCAR ghetto, white trash losers who can't hold down a menial job and think that the world owes them something for being loud mouth, anti-intellectual bastards all the time. The three or four of them stood there and the first guy shouted about how TriMet employees are all assholes and it's all a conspiracy against him and the other guys nodded and laughed and smoked and jeered whenever the first guy said, "Fucking buses!" or "Fucking TriMet!" Then the 12 came and they got on and were probably assholes all the way to wherever they were going. I went and checked the bus schedule. The 19 was probably about five minutes away. So I waited. And after five minutes or so had gone by, I checked the schedule again. And then I saw a bus coming over the bridge. It was another 12. I was like, "Seriously? Two in a row??" So I checked the 12's schedule: identical to the 19 at that time of day. Another couple minutes, and another bus on the bridge. The 20. Finally the 19 showed up, but it was like it had just flat out skipped a scheduled bus.

Then 19 reeked. Like full-on Bum Stink all throughout the bus. And no bums, to speak of. But the 19 did aquire a couple of moms and their kids at Providence Portland (47th & Glisan, or thereabouts). They were sweet, the mom and daughter who sat at the front were smiling and talking together. The mom removed lint from the knees of her daughter's tights (the girl was maybe 8 or so), and ran her hand over the girls head and down her braids, hugging her to pull her back up into her seat, which she was falling out of as she squirmed around to tell her Mom something else about someone at her school. It was just so sweet and intimate and thoughtless (as in, "natural," not as in, "uncaring").

I don't think I'll be signing up to take the bus to work any time soon. My memory of TriMet was that it was clean and safe and friendly. But in reality, it has always been like this: cleanish, kind of smelly at times, safe enough (if you're aware of your surroundings) and friendly in small doses. And that's how all mass transit is, everywhere I've ever lived or even just visited: Portland, Moscow, Paris, Lyon, DC... I never road the train or bus in NY or LA, but I'm sure it's the same. It's really a question of necessity. When I had to ride the bus because I didn't have a license or a car, it was great. But now that it's a choice, it's just so much less enjoyable. And I feel bad for complaining, because I know that I should ride the bus more to be a better citizen. But that is a concern for another post on another day because this one is already ridiculously long.

A Note On Gender Perceptions, Or How I Am A Big Closet Sexist

So we're at the Fred Meyer the other day.... and as the checker bags our last items, those of the person behind us in line roll to the front: two tubs of Hagen Daas (Cookies and Cream and something else) and a Twix. Earlier a woman had been standing behind us in line. I thought to myself, "Man, that is one sad and lonely evening she has planned." I looked back to see if she was weeping. or bleeding. or, um, okay, okay, you got me: I looked to see if she was hot. Yes, I'm just as shallow as you feared. ANYWAY, as I was SAYING... I turned around and it was in fact a dude behind us. For whatever reason, I immediately revised my "that is so sad" assessment and thought, "ooh, nevermind: romantic evening plans!"

I think it's because I think of eating a whole pint of ice cream by oneself as a female thing. If their team loses The Big Game or they get fired, TV doesn't represent men as eating a whole tub of ice cream, but that's like SOP for TV ladies in any kind of distress. What's weird to me is that when I thought there was a girl behind us, I didn't think she was planning a romantic evening. Why am I predjudiced against girls bringing home the sexy pints of creamy goodness? (Let's just pretend that it was decent ice cream, and not that bland Hagen Daas stuff, for arguement's sake, okay?) Why is the primary image "Girl eats entire pint by self, a la Bridget Jones"? But for dudes, it's "Dude impresses girl with romantic gesture, gains entry to pants."

Bad News For Wayne & Misha

I had an allergist appointment on Monday to do the first half of the fabled "scratch test." They don't do it on your back anymore (or maybe just this place has given up the whole "topless and rashy" thing), but on your forearm. The test is split into two parts to keep your system from overloading, so they logically start witih the gross categories of allergens to see what if you react topically to anything. If you don't, it doesn't mean you're not allergic to it, it just means that you're not that allergic to it. I, predictably, reacted to some of the pollens, dust and cat, but the shocker to me was how much my arm reacted to the tree pollens. The little 1-2 mm dots of allergen mostly just turned red and itchy, and some of them swelled up into little 1-2 mm white welts surrounded by a red rash. The "sugargum tree" dot swelled into a welt the size of a dime, and the "tree mix" dot was only slightly smaller. They were right next to each other and the rash spread out over my arm until you couldn't tell where one dot's rash ended and another's began. Gross!

But the point of this, the bad news for Wayne and Misha, has to do with my new medication. You see, over the last few months my allergies had gotten so bad that not only was I sick all the time but my asthma was actually becoming a noticable problem. My old allergy medication (Zyrtec) is super for my actual allergies, but it does nothing for my asthma, so the doctor is having me try out Singulair to see if that helps. "It doesn't really have any major side effects. It won't make you sleepy and it won't keep you up," she (the allergist) said. "But... Well, some people have reported having more vivid dreams while they're on it and it does increase the percentage of the night you spend in REM sleep. Some people don't care, for some it's a good thing, for some it's maybe a bad thing, I don't know. But if it bothers you, we'll find something else." When the CMA brought the samples for me to take with me she said that she never used to remember her dreams before she was on Singulair, but then every night she was having these crazy adventures. "I could be a novelist now, I swear!" she averred.

And all I could think about was what I have come to think of as "Wayne's Law," namely, "Sydney is not allowed to tell me about her dreams. Ever." Adherents of Wayne's Law react to the statement, "I had the weirdest dream last night," when uttered by yours truly, by throwing up their hands in defense and saying, "No NO no no no no no - I am not listening to this, you are not allowed to tell me your dreams, seriously, we discussed this already, just, just, no, just shut up, just no, I'm going to walk away now!" The only person as devoted to the consistant application of Wayne's Law as Wayne himself, is Misha. Although he usually stops after "you are not allowed to tell me your dreams" and gives me a look that says, "Remember that one time you told me about your crazy dream and you the other person in the dream and I saw them that day and it was totally weird and uncomfortable?" So now, being the person whose dreams are so vivid and so involved naturally, I am on a medication that frees stony sleepers from their nightly low-level comas to frolic in the garden of imagined delights.

So far - two nights - everything seems pretty normal. I've dreamed all night, both nights, like usual. The dreams are vivid, have plots (often carrying over from previous dreams), and are usually fairly lucid. All systems normal. But there's a ramp up, so maybe I'll start hallucinating during the day here over the next week or two. And I'm sure Wayne and Misha will be the first people I'll want to tell about it. Of course, I'll probably think that I am telling them all about it, as I'm hauled off to the psych ward somewhere... So, I'll keep you posted!

I may be consumptive

So I haven't written anything in forever because I've been sick. I can't shake a stupid common cold because my allergies have left me completely immune system-less. I have a new allergy to add to the list: Christmas tree. Well, invisible Christmas tree mold. So that, plus the cats, the dust inherent in unpacking decorations left dormant 11 months out of the year, and the mildew inherent in storing them in a damp basement, and I have pretty much been taken out by a cold an 86-year old diabetic on chemo who recently had open heart surgery could have faught off. And to make matters worse, my TV choices are "Cobra," in which Sly Stallone wears some awesome glasses and no one manages to figure out the "inside man" is the weird female officer who's always calling someone everytime they hide the witness they're protecting somewhere new, and "The Chamber" in which Chris O'Donnell defends his grandfather (who is a klansman and baby killer), Gene Hackman, because the times, they were a' evil and made him do it. Or whatever. At least Stallone looks cool. But maybe that's the DayQuil talking...

But while I'm laid up here, wasting my Saturday away in pajamas, sitting in a sea of tissues, I thought I'd provide at least a bullet point update of what's been going on since Christmas.

- Pete and I went to a Blazer game (vs. the Seventy-sixers). It had several super awesome moments, including Rodriguez's half-court basket at the first quarter buzzer after he'd only been on the court for like thirty seconds, and a crazy second quarter allyoop and dunk, but the ultimately lost.

- My cousin, Koelby, announced that he and his girlfriend, Jessica, are getting married in March. Congratulations to them!

- Mom's dishwasher finally completely broke and we got a new one. It's really amazing, though: that machine is somewhere between 15 and 25 years old, the spinning part that sprays water was bent, the rubber was peeling off the baskets, and then the hose that fed the bend plastic spinner tore so water was just spraying directly out of the connection in the back of the machine. And it still cleaned the dishes. So if you're in the market for a dishwasher, you can't go wrong with a KitchenAid. Mom bought a new one to replace the old one - it's almost identical except brand new and with added super cool bonus features.

- I have become obsessed with "Elebits" on the Wii. I beat it last night - although there are still tons of things I have yet to unlock - but it's the only console video game I've ever a) enjoyed playing, and b) (probably more importantly) been good at. Serously: I am the Queen of Elebits. Except for that All the Purple Ones Shoot You and You Die Challenge. But that one's impossible.

And that about sums things up. Also, in the two and a half hours it's taken me to write this (lots of nose blowing breaks), I have watched most of "Cobra." That movie is great! Like, "Red Dawn" style great. It's filled with campy non-sense and bizarre one-liners. I mean, I don't think anyone drinks pee or eats a beating deer heart or anything, but the Bridgette Nielson fashion shoot scene is surreal and irrelevant enough for any lover of unintentional absurdist humor.